Dear Beautiful Woman Longing to Be a Mother
I feel compelled to write to you . . . because boy, I remember being there.
I recall thinking about how I “played house” as a child. I wanted more children than my playmates. They wanted a “boy and a girl” . . .I wanted at least five.
I remembered that one year Santa brought me a cradle and a doll and lots of clothes and the baby bottle. It was probably my favorite gift.
Motherhood was something I longed for my whole life.
And there I was . . . finally married and month after month,
devastated and disappointed.
I dedicated my adult life to helping young people. I worked as a summer camp counselor, a coach and I was a teacher.
I prayed that God would make me a mother and asked other people to pray for me too.
Why was He not answering that prayer? Why was it even a struggle . . . I mean every month I’m reminded that I do “have the parts!!!”
I remember one Sister of Saint Joseph advised me to “shake my fists” at God and let Him know I’m angry! So, if a nun told me to do it – I’m going to share that advice with you.
It must be okay to “shake your fists” at God if a nun said to do it, right???
Forgive them, they just have no idea. Forgive them, but by all means, also walk away from them . . . because ain’t nothing good coming out of that conversation if you stay.
Do you have the people telling you to relax and signing you up for yoga classes with them and gifting you massages and wine to “help you relax”?
I had that . . . I took the gifts and the classes and enjoyed the time with the friend (actually that was my mom) and didn’t bring up that I knew she had an alterior motive.
And p.s. I can’t relax, it’s not in my DNA. So yes, we should do things like take time to go to Adoration, pray the Rosary and stop working once in a while – but not only because we want to be moms – but because it’s good for our overall health. Do we tell sick people to relax though? No, because it’s rediculous. Someone needs to tell the person who said “just relax” that you don’t say that to someone with a medical condition – like diabetes or infertility!
To the person who is bold enough to say to you “just relax”. Kindly say goodbye to them for awhile, because there is no way you can “relax” around someone who says that to you when your pouring your heart out and that is the response you get.
Do you have that pain in your chest that not only hurts but feels like this incredibly heavy burden?
I had that. When all the students left for the day, I closed the classroom door and cried at my desk. You have got to let it out. I let it out by crying. I let it out by writing God a letter. I told Him all the reasons why I wanted to be a mom. Whenever I am dealing with something heavy that lingers, I write to God. It really helps. I even once wrote about my children I dreamed of having … I wrote about 3 children . . . I now have 3 children (twilight zone music?).
Do you have the friends showing up that truly understand infertility and show you they understand?
Hug these people. They are amazing. Women that I lost touch with over the years or who were only just acquaintances flocked to me with love and compassion. I remember one telling me she was so glad she got a dog when she was going through it. I had friends from high school who I really had not talked to in years reach out to me with such kindness. Some said they stopped going to baby showers and told me that was ok. Personally, I never minded going to baby showers . . .I thought, they’ll all be at mine someday. But – these women had empathy and with that empathy came some comfort. Welcome them if you don’t already. If you already do – spend time with them when you can.
Do you have a husband that is also bummed, sad or even depressed?
Hugs help. Taking a weekend trip to do something that interests you both are good to do – even if you wish you were going to a pumpkin patch or Sesame Place with a child instead. Spend time together and write seperate bucket lists. Write a list of all the things you will do once you are blessed with your child or children. That list will have the pumpkin patch, the family walks, the Christmas mornings, etc. But write a “couples only” bucket list. Not everything is kid friendly! Write the movie dates, the wine tasting trips, hiking on the coast of Maine or rock climbing. Things you’d love to do together, but totally not child appropriate! And honestly, your husband and yourself have different interests too. Write a list of what you really want to do, but he has no desire to do it. Perhaps start crossing off some things on the two bucket lists that don’t involve children while you wait.
(want more ideas of what to do while you wait, check out my list here: Waiting Without Worrying )
Do you often find yourself looking up and asking God, “WHY????????”
I remember talking to God and saying –
ya know, I’m asking for a job not a million dollars!!! I know it will be work! AND You know I will teach them to love you! Help me out will ya???
I remember going to Mass and seeing all the families, then having to endure a homily that compared faith to parenting.
Really God??? Thanks
Then we started the adoption process and we would be matched, be happy and then the mom would choose parenting, so then we felt sad again. Then we might see other people adopt . . . and then we wondered, why not us.
I remember thinking Lord, I will LOVE ANY CHILD YOU GIVE ME!
Do you sometimes hear the voice that says, “maybe your not meant to be a mom”?
Please don’t listen to that voice. If infertility has exhausted you, and your heart feels like their is a piece missing. Please consider adoption. I realize that can be annoying when some people bring up adoption – but we now have children. I am now a mom. God gave me infertility so that I would be blessed with three amazing souls. Before we adopted, I talked to a woman in our parish who adopted. She told me, “I thank God for infertility everyday!” She said that because the love she has for her adopted children really can not be put into words.
I didn’t “get it” when she said that the way I “get it” now.
My children needed me to be their mommy. I’m so grateful my husband was open to it and he agrees, they are an incredible gift. We truly believe we are the luckiest parents in the world.
Be open to the thought and ask God to “open all the right doors and close all the wrong ones”. I actually heard Joel Olsteen say that once and made it a personal prayer. It really helped me.
Do you want to stop reading these letters and just be a mommy?
I understand. I remember. Please don’t stop praying and consider starting a Rosary group. Before praying the Rosary, voice this intention. You know the promises of the Rosary . .
Mary keeps her promises.
Praying for you and sending you a hug,